Photo courtesy of ABC

The long national nightmare is over tonight; The Bachelor returns to ABC with Ben Higgins as the prize. Kaitlyn Bristowe’s reject gets a chance to take an amazing journey with a whole bunch of fame whores lucky ladies in search of a chance to be the next Bachelorette and ink a deal for a wedding special for love. This calls for a drinking game, uncork that bottle of rosé and let’s go! Warning: May cause alcohol poisoning.

1. Take a sip the first time you hear the phrase “Bachelor nation.”
2. Drink when you hear the words “last season.”
3. Take a sip when against a scenic backdrop, Ben gazes into the distance as he reflects on how Kaitlyn broke his heart.
4. Drink up when the crew “sneaks up” on a viewing party and everyone freaks out at the “surprise.”
5. Drink up for cutesy segments on the ladies’ “careers.” Extra drinks if they stage a scene like that business with Andi Dorfman allegedly doing something noteworthy in court.
6. Take a sip when Mr. TV Recaps gives your viewing choices side-eye and you have to pretend it’s for work but deep inside you know the truth you don’t want your significant other to know that you watch this.
7. Take a sip every time some Bachelorette exits the limo with a random prop the producers made her give to Ben as a gift.
8. Drink when you roll your eyes at the “first time in Bachelor history” stunt of the season.
9. Drink up when a Bachelorette forgoes the limo and arrives on a whimsical means of transport such as a unicycle or giant cupcake.
10. Take a sip when a Bachelorette says that she hoped it would be Ben. In other words, she’s saying that she signed up for a chance to find love with one of Kaitlyn’s then-undetermined castoffs but is glad that it’s Ben. By that reasoning, she was prepared to go on an amazing journey with Nick and the other Ben and whoever else was on that show.
11. Wet your whistle when a contestant forgets to say her name, trips, can’t figure out which way to get into the mansion or just does not have her head in the game.
12. Take a sip when Ben gives that one lucky Bachelorette a lingering “Maybe you two should get a room” type of hug.
13. Tip your glass when the obligatory crazy pants is revealed and talks about onions or bondage.
14. Drink up when the lady of color enters and we all know not to get too attached but are glad for her that she’s the most likely to leave with an air of dignity.
15. Toss it back when women in the house start getting restless because the limo parade is still going on and they’ve been sitting around drinking on an empty stomach and sizing up their competition.
16. Have a drink whenever Chris Harrison makes a completely superfluous appearance to say something obvious.
17. Take a sip when one of the ladies starts grousing about how she didn’t get to talk to Ben yet.
18. Drink up each time one woman interrupts a conversation with another contestant so that she can get her time alone with Ben.
19. Take a drink when other women look on with disapproval and cluck about No. 12.
20. Sip when the contestants start to look the same, and you can’t remember who did what during the limo parade.
21. Take a sip for the first bitchy comment.
22. Drink when you have settled on the one who you hope will either win Ben or be the Bachelorette—which is even better—and not get screwed over like poor Britt.
23. Drink when you have settled on the total bitch who will make the season fun.
24. Drink whenever someone says the word “amazing.”
25. Ditto for “adventure.”
26. Ditto for “journey.”
27. Ditto “Here for the right reasons.”
28. Drink up whenever one of the women works the single mom schtick. Bonus points if she whips out a photo of the kid(s) she left behind so she could find their new daddy on reality TV.
29. Drink if anyone mentions a health condition or personal tragedy to get a pity rose.
30. Take a sip whenever Ben indicates that “my future wife may be in the room.”
31. Sip when one of the ladies say, “I can already see myself falling in love with Ben.”
32. Drink for every unnecessarily long pause between roses.
33. Sip when the camera zooms in on the anguished faces as the women realize their odds of snagging a rose are dwindling.
34. Toss one back when one of the rejects sobs because she thought they made a connection but now she’ll have to go back to her loveless life and probably get a whole bunch of cats and die alone.
35. Drink up when the previews for the “most [insert hyperbole] season” get you amped up even though you know Chris Harrison is stringing you along, and the best scenes will have been crafted to mislead you.

The Bachelor airs at 8/7c. tonight on ABC and will be followed by Bachelor Live at 10/9c.

Elaine G. Flores, Chief Editor

Elaine is the chief editor of TV Recappers' Delight. She's an experienced entertainment reporter, reviewer, editor, blogger, columnist and Bon Vivant.