The 14 Types of New Yorkers You See During #JonasBlizzard — And Lou Young

Hazardous conditions aside, severe winter weather is fun in Gotham. It’s totes legit to stay in your pajamas and sip adult beverages—it’s not like you’re going to drive anywhere. Do you even have a license? Carbs and calories don’t count because of wormholes and fusion or something that sounds science-y. You might think this is a good time for a Netflix binge, but you can do that anytime. What you really need to do is channel-surf local news coverage. Here’s what’s to look for:

1. The pragmatic government official. Flanked by random people all sporting the same pragmatic government official winter weather garb, the mayor and/or governor will hold a press conference providing information on transportation, potential power outages, emergency numbers and what to expect in terms of snow removal. They will instruct you to remain calm but also employ scare tactics. It’s a mixed message. Bonus points for mangled Spanish, a hammy sign language interpreter or some guy hoping to give his presidential aspirations a boost.
2. The parrot. The talking head will repeat the warnings you just heard. They will “throw to” some poor schlep outside.
3. The poor schlep. This person has an important message: “Stay inside, people. Stay inside. Do not go outside unless you really have to. You are just going to be in the way of emergency vehicles. Oh, hey, man on the street trying to comply with the warnings, wanna talk about how cold and icy it is?”
4. Lou Young. WCBS TV’s Lou Young is everything. He is not a schlep, he is not a parrot. He is a boss. He is a leading man. He is a romantic hero. He is tall. Random women walk up to him and offer unsolicited hugs. Do you know why? It is because he is Lou Young. He can wear a hat or not wear a hat. His interviewees are better than everyone else’s is. He interviewed some kid who is braving the weather because he wanted L’Occitane hand lotion. It happened. You had to be there. Lou Young did not judge. He just went on being Lou Young. Lou Young cares about you. He asks how you are spending your evening. You should spend it watching Lou Young.
5. The victim of circumstance. Unlike the poor schlep, this correspondent is sent to the most dangerous locale. The Jersey shore is always a good spot. Nobody would do that to Lou Young. And if they did, women would head there to give him hugs and cocoa.
6. The great deceiver. They pretend to care but they don’t. They sit at their desks chuckling and saying things like: “Bundle up, Magee Hickey, you are a real trouper. Ha-ha!” or “Oh, wow, I hope you get to go inside, Ha-ha.” They will offer color commentary such as: “Well, it’s dangerous out there, but it’s a good time to make snow angels and be with the family.” Another variation: “It’s fun out there making snow angels, but it’s dangerous so get inside.” They won’t play that game with Lou Young, though. Somebody tried that once and was never seen again, or so I hear.
7. The prop master. This person is tasked with holding a yardstick so that you can understand what 8 inches of snow looks like. Lou Young doesn’t need props. And if he does use a prop, it’s cool.
8. The arrogant snow-denier. The interviewee who says, “It’s just snow, yo! I don’t have to listen to the man.” Yes, you do. Get inside.
9. The beleaguered snow-removal person. “Yeah, it’s really rough out here but I’ve got a job to do. I hope I get to go home and see my family.”
10. The slave to capitalism. “It’s freezing and unsafe but I gotta get to Best Buy. Those nonessential items aren’t going to buy themselves.” Lou Young might take a peek in that bag and quietly judge you.
11. The gung-ho tourist. They are just so dang happy to walk around a deserted Time Square. They are looking for Olive Garden.
12. The smug Eastern European. “Zis is nothing. I’m from Prague. Zis is easy.”
13. The suburbanite: “I hate you. I hate life. I hate Currier and Ives. Florida, here I come.” Let’s see how great it is when alligators are on their lawn. You know what’s not in Florida? Lou Young.
14. The glib New Yorker, “Bread and milk is for the weak. I stocked up on liquor, artisanal cheese, crusty bread and those butter cookies in the blue tin. Bring it!”
15. The Lou Young Stan. “Hmmm, it’s not really my neighborhood, but I could just walk by all casual. Maybe give him a hug. I love you, Lou Young!”

Follow Lou Young @LouYoungNY.