26 Thoughts on Sleepy Hollow: Novus Ordo Seclorum

Welp, it’s the Sleepy Hollow fall finale. Where does the time go? Here are my stream-of-consciousness ramblings. Let’s go!

1. Jenny is in trouble. Jenny BAMF Mills is in trouble. She’s lying on a bank while Pandora is in the water tending to “The Hidden Man.” The Hidden Man is already grousing to Pandora about water quality. He just woke up. Wait until he hears about fracking.
2. Now he’s fussing because he thought Witnessing was an annoying fad.
3. Sorry.
4. What he needs to do is worry about his grooming. Pandora is all dressed up, and he needs to moisturize. He’s ashy.
5. Crane says the Sisters Mills are like family. Yes, Jenny is your future sister-in-law, Abbie is your future wife.
6. The Hidden Man and Pandy are messing with our Jenny, levitating her and whatnot. They make her scream in terror. Jenny BAMF Mills is screaming in terror.
7. Allow me to step away for some Ativan. This is way too much anxiety.
8. Oh, so the Hidden Man is a god.
9. Ichabod is talking about Masons and the New World Order like my BFF/soul sister/stylist who keeps telling me that the Illuminati is real because she watched a Katt Williams YouTube video. I hope she isn’t watching this.
10. Twistory time! Mr. TV Recaps, wanders into the room to say: “Does this mean we’re going to get more Ben Franklin this season? We haven’t had any air baths, and that’s bullshit.” I love him as much today as I did 21 years ago.
11. The plot calls for a Red Cup campus party! Look at tiny Abbie dodging Solo cups, hee!
12. More twistory. Ichabod’s flashback hair is on fleek. It’s the office hair he sports with the navy military uniform. Did you ever notice that his flashback ‘do is never as good with Betsy? She is MIA for the second week in a row. Good, I hope she is knitting a turtleneck. Winter is coming.
13. Crane is boasting about his drawing ability. He just shows off for his “Leftenant.” He needs to show off his kissing and spooning skills.
14. My girl, Pandora is down with the swirl, too? This show must drive some people insane. Well, they’ll always have Scandal if they don’t like it. Oh, wait.
15. Pandy is talking to Abbie about the white trees. Ichabod and Joe are talking about the Wendigo. Solid Sleepy mythology.
16. Joe is willing to go wolf if it saves Jenny, but Crane says Jenny will need Joe “in the form of a man, not a beast.”
17. Abbie will need you in the form of naked, Crane.
18. Agent Reynolds pushed Abbie too far. She just turned in her badge and her gun, you know that’s serious. Little Abbie Oakley loves packing heat. Well, she did pilfer office supplies. You and I go for the Post-It Notes, Abbie helps herself to the Zero Dark Thirty night vision goggles and explosives.
19. The Hidden Man plans to do something to Jenny aka The Shard. Pandora says she wants to watch. What is this, Sleepy Hollow After Dark? Pandy needs to fly her freak flag on premium cable.
20. Mr. Hidden Man cleans up nicely. Purrrrrrrrrrrr.
21. “My Man!!” I know you already created the meme of Abbie saying that to Crane.
22. You know, this rescue effort might go sideways, and a good-luck kiss is in order.
23. Abbie’s shooting Pandora and Pandy’s all “Girl, bye.”
24. Remember the time Buffy Summers confronted a god to save her sister who was “The Key” and Buffy sacrificed herself?…
25. Abbie watch out for that tree! Don’t do it. Don’t go in there. Damnit, Abbie!
26. Welp, Crane, you should have gone for the kiss.

What the hell am I supposed to do with my life now? I guess I’ll write a full recap.

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Sleepy Hollow returns on Friday, February 5 at 9/8c on Fox