Sleepy Hollow: “Dead Men Tell No Tales” — Oct. 29, 2015

For months, we’ve heard about the Bones/Sleepy Hollow crossover. I don’t follow Bones so I can’t rate the non-Ichabbie scenes. I can admit to a restless 11 minutes waiting for the Witnesses’ appearances. (Yes, I know, it’s a crossover, not a takeover). The Halloween special marked Fox’s most significant effort to promote Season 3, delivered extra time with Ichabod and Abbie, resulted in a ratings bump and provided blatant Ichabbie-is-endgame moments. That’s good enough for me, let’s go!

First Appearance: Special Agent Seeley Booth (David Boreanaz), Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan (Emily Deschanel)

On the Bones side of things: FBI agent Lieutenant Grace Abigail Mills and “history consultant” Ichabod Crane hear of a recently discovered decapitated corpse and head to Bones’ lab to see if it has anything to do with Sleepy Hollow. It goes like this:

Bones: Hi! Take a look at this.
Ichabod: Aha! It’s Abraham Van Brunt. History.
Bones: Nope. Foresnsics.
Ichabod: Wait, what? Nobody ever tells me I’m wrong!
The Audience: Oh, Honey. Learn Twitter.

Ichabod starts talking about Abbie, telling Bones. It goes like this:

Ichabod: “We are a partnership of opposites. Yet our affinity for one another bears the ripest of fruit.”
Bones: “Oh. I was unaware that you and your colleague were sexual partners.”
Ichabod: Uh…
Bones: Do a slow burn and then get married. It worked for us.
Ichabod: Well, we need some complications to keep things interesting. How about some chick from the 18th century or an extra?
Bones: GTFOH.

Turns out the corpse is that of Crane’s adversary, General Howe. Blah, blah, blah, plot.
Aside from the shipping, the cutest part of the episode is watching Ichabod, Abbie, Bones and Booth share drinks at the Founding Fathers bar. Crane imbibes a girly cocktail; Abbie’s probably still so pissed about his nine-month absence that she doesn’t tell him a Sex on the Beach is only acceptable on spring break and at bachelorette parties. Abbie’s drinking out of a mug, so she’s likely the designated driver and will be the one to get them to the Hampton Inn for a night of passion. You and I both know they didn’t make the five-hour drive from Sleepy Hollow. Oh, and the scene where Crane refers to his cocktail as a “Fondle in the Forest”? Slow clap.

The Witnesses aren’t the only ones heading back to Sleepy Hollow; they convinced the folks at the Jeffersonian to have Howe’s corpse transported for burial. The driver with this glamorous job swerves off the road because our girl Pandora is up to her monkeyshines. She’s all dolled up in her cloak, does some hocus-pocus, which makes the driver start choking and then charitably suggests that he run. We’ve yet to see her kill someone, right? That’s what minions are for. She politely urges Howe to raise his army and go after the Crane.

At the bowling alley Halloween party, Abbie, Jenny, Crane and Joe kick back. The Mills sisters have the best costumes, Beyoncé, and a Mountie. Lyndie Greenwood as you know is Canadian. Crane spots Crextra. It goes like this:
Ichabod: Leftenant, I probably took a peek when you slipped into that costume with the Daisy Dukes at home — the home we share. I also probably ogled you during the car ride here, but now my standards have inexplicably dropped so low, that I will eye that extra who keeps trying to ship herself with me.
Ichabod: Hi Crextra, nice outfit.
Crextra: I looked at all the slutty costumes, and I settled on slutty Betsy Ross outfit. It was either that or slutty Eleanor Roosevelt.

This marks the first and only time you will see this hashtag: #BetsyRossDeservesBetter. Fortunately, Ichabod and Abbie learn that Howe’s remains have vanished, and the scene is over. They know Pandora is behind it. We are not 10 minutes in before Crane and Abbie talk about the loss that is Katrina. That is way too many ship-wrecks for one episode. On re-watch, I noticed that Abbie, who brought up the topic, notes “Ghosts of the past have power over us. Even if we truly want to move on, it’s not that easy.” She may be referring to Daniel, but she also may be indicating a desire to move on from Ichabod and their demon-fighting. The discussion is ended by Howe and his badass army of zombie Redcoats. After escaping, Abbie heads to the agency and talks with Daniel. It goes like this:

Abbie: Hi. What are you doing?
Daniel: Reminding the audience that you have a love life or at least you had one at Quantico. I know I’m your boss, but we can work around it.
Abbie: Okay, I’ve never been kissed.
Daniel: GTFOH, you are beautiful.
Abbie: Well, Hawley did give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation when I nearly drowned…

Daniel is investigating an importer who is likely buying items from terrorists. He intends to name Abbie “Task Force coordinator” if all goes as planned.

Back to the Witness mission, Crane feels guilty; Washington sent him to kill Howe, and he failed. Had Crane succeeded, the war may have ended more quickly. Crane has a lot of guilt issues. What he should feel bad about is Joe Corbin, who arrives at Jenny’s trailer with two bags of groceries. That’s what happens when you are gainfully employed, Crane; even damn sexy hobos such as yourself try to hustle for a dollar.  Joe even brings Jenny chocolate. He probably rented bowling shoes for everyone, too. Do you hear me, Crane? Were it not for online etiquette, I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT IN UPPERCASE!

Sometimes I wonder if Fox plans to wrap up Sleepy Hollow and start over with The Jenny & Joe Show. It’s already playing like an in-show spinoff. In any case, Jenny has surveillance photos of the man who is after the Shard of Anubis. Joe recognizes him as Atticus Nevins. To Jennie’s surprise, Joe says the suspect was a friend of Sheriff Corbin’s. Naturally this will dovetail with the FBI investigation Daniel mentioned. Jenny can’t believe the sheriff might have been shady, but Joe isn’t so sure. She comforts Joe with a hand on his shoulder. I know I said I’m not shipping them because one would think it’s a sibling-like relationship, but when they sit that close… Corbin and Mills do some sleuthing and encounter Sophie Foster, the woman who Jenny sparred with for the shard. Joe offers to give up the shard in exchange for a sit-down with Sophie’s mysterious boss. Joe’s impulsiveness displeases Jenny.

The Witnesses figure out that Pandora’s latest scheme involves instilling fear and Halloween is a fine night for it. Their work takes them back to the Jeffersonian; that’s another five-hour ride. What is this, a day or two later? Crane says he’ll take the wheel this time, but texting while driving is unsafe so hopefully he and Crextra can scale it back. Blah, blah plot. Throngs of children trick-or-treat. Pandora strolls about, reveals her true face to a little girl and steals the child’s candy. Not cool, Pandora. Moving on, the Witnesses defeat the army with an assist from Jenny and Joe. Instead of going out for a drink or bonding in post-mission Ichabbie fashion, Abbie urges Crane to call Crextra. This new wingman role is out-of-character and random, but Crane invites the extra on a date. At this point, the only reasonable explanation is that Abbie is detaching from Crane, which makes sense.
Quotable Ichabbie:

Abbie catches Ichabod looking at a photo of Zoe on his phone.

Cliffhanger: Daniel has information about the case he’s working, he slides her pictures and wants to know why Jenny and Joe are involved with Sophie, Atticus’ employee.