Quantico: “Quantico”— Dec. 6, 2015
Photo courtesy of ABC
Quantico is glorious. All of the agents keep America safe from terrorism by looking like models and hooking up. It’s the love child of Melrose Place and How to Get Away with Murder. Homeland is a third cousin. In other words, this show is delightful and required viewing. FBI Agent Alex Parrish pleaded guilty to masterminding an attack on Grand Central. She is innocent, but the false confession is part of a ruse to suss out whoever framed her. At first, it seemed that one of her former Quantico classmates was behind it, but maybe it’s someone else. Or not. The only thing Alex is guilty of is waking up in the rubble, going on the run, undergoing interrogation and still managing to keep her hair and makeup on point. Let’s go!
Quantico before the attack
As usual, this episode should be called, “Everybody Hates Simon.” He is still shunned for reporting Dr. Susan Langdon. It goes like this:
Simon Asher: Hi everybody.
Everybody: We hate you because you reported that celebrity profiler Dr. Susan Langdon faked evidence to nail a serial killer, and now he’s free.
Simon: That happened last week, why are we still talking about it? Is guest star Anne Heche returning? Besides her character threatened to kill me.
Everybody: We’re going to hide your towel and mock you as you walk around the locker room naked.
Deputy Director Miranda Shaw is back at work and the show ignores her stabbing and her son’s disappearance because it doesn’t involve Anne Heche. During a training exercise, Alex notices an ersatz mark on Natalie Vasquez’s neck. It goes like this:
Alex: Hey, everybody, Natalie has a fake scar. Maybe she’s a terrorist or something.
Everybody: Explain yourself, Natalie.
Natalie: My ex-boyfriend is emotionally abusive, so I pretended he hit me so that the court wouldn’t let him have custody of my son.
Everybody: Okay. This subplot doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, let’s move on.
Nimah Amin also has news for the class. It goes like this:
Nimah: Hey everybody, Simon is a war criminal.
Everybody: What?
Simon: I’m not a war criminal, I was a translator for the Israeli Defense Forces.
Everybody: Go on.
Simon: My boss may have started torturing women.
Everybody: Not cool.
Ryan Booth comes to Simon’s defense. It goes like this:
Ryan: Come on you guys. Simon’s not a war criminal. He was misled. I must randomly mention that he roughed me up once.
Miranda: Okay, he’s not a war criminal, so I won’t kick him out for that.
Simon: Whew!
Miranda: But you shoved Ryan, which is an infraction of the Quantico rules, so you’re out.
Simon: FML.
Ryan finally tells Alex he loves her, and she says she loves him too. Just kidding, she gets all weird because she has commitment issues and pushes him away.
New York after the attack
Alex, who plead guilty to bombing Grand Central to help catch the real culprit, is hauled away in her prison garb. Because Alex is Alex she still looks beautiful. That’s not even real orange; it borders on coral or salmon. The folks at the Prison Uniform Company probably did a rush order on her jumpsuit to make sure she looks as good as possible. It doesn’t matter, FBI honcho Liam O’Connor has brought her some civilian clothes, so she doesn’t have to wear that absurdly flattering coral number for long. Liam and Alex go back to the command center where Miranda and her former classmates are gathered. They are all granted immunity for aiding a fugitive and will work together to nab the bomber. No secrets. Except for the fact that that all of the onetime classmates are still being monitored. The surveillance reveals Simon meeting with a bomb maker in Brooklyn. Simon is apprehended and comes clean to Liam, Miranda, and the other agents. It goes like this:
Everybody: You’re the terrorist.
Simon: No I’m not, but I did come up with a secret plan to plant bombs under a mosque and synagogue.
Everybody: That makes you a terrorist.
Simon: I wasn’t going to set off the explosives. By some convoluted logic, I was making a political statement so that everyone would pay attention to bringing about peace in the Middle East or something. Somebody else used my plans to pull off the attack. I really thought this plot would work without anyone getting hurt.
Everybody: That is ridiculous but okay, you’re off the hook. Go away.
Simon: Forever alone.
Alex goes after Simon and says she needs him just like she did at Quantico. Has it been established that she needed him at Quantico? She spent a lot of time having slo-mo pillow fights with her bestie Shelby Wyatt and making eyes at Ryan. In any case, Alex walks away, and a man sneaks up on Simon and clasps a hand over Simon’s mouth. Poor Simon.
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Quantico airs Sundays at 10/9c on ABC.
