How to Get Away with Murder “He Has a Wife” — Nov. 13, 2014

Oh, for goodness’ sake, just when I thought these timelines were merging, it’s six months earlier, back in those halcyon days when Lila and Rebecca were friends. I’m employing a new format this week because trying to keep track makes me want to stab myself in the neck.

• Case of the Week: Prescription sleep medication made some rich lady snap. She’s accused of killing her Scandinavian nanny. On the other hand, the drug prompted her to buy clothes online, cook gourmet meals and initiate sex with her husband, so let’s not get all judgey. There are only so many hours in the day. It would be nice to simultaneously sleep and get stuff done.
• The Keating Five: Since this show’s alternate title is “How to Get an STD,”  Frank and Laurel are at it and his girlfriend walks in and who cares…. Annalise finally realizes that Connor is a one-trick pony and blasts him for always using his lightsaber to gather evidence…. The best thing ever happens when the lovely Lynn Whitfield shows up as the mother of Michaela’s fiancé. Remember that prenup? When Michaela refuses to sign the document, Lynn Whitfield stabs her in the neck with a MontBlanc pen, wraps her body in a bespoke Vera Wang dress and disposes of the corpse.
• The Summer of 2014: It’s June, the establishing shot reminds me of “Veronica Mars.” Lila Stangard is Lilly Kane. Harry Hamlin did it! Case solved. Lila grouses to Rebecca about her sexless relationship with Griffin. Well, he didn’t make her sign that virginity pact in blood, did he? She’s met somebody new, code name: “Mr. Darcy.” Does Rebecca get the reference? Does anyone believe that jackass Rebecca read “Pride and Prejudice”? By July, Lila is bragging about how she’s no longer a virgin, she did it with Darcy. He sexts her the infamous penis picture. At the risk of being critical, he certainly has the body of an older man. It’s August, Lila sobs that Darcy wants to end it. Her dreams of wearing a bespoke Vera Wang dress have been dashed. She wants to go to Darcy’s wife and show her all the photos of his junk. Where is my pen? I need to stab this crybaby in the neck…. On August 29, the dumb heifer actually has the nerve to show up at the Keating home. Bonnie answers the door and figures the crying girl is just another one of Frank’s bad life choices. Lila demands to speak to Annalise about her husband. Bonnie chases her off and is kinda badass about it, too.

• 

  The Aftermath: After Annalise learns from Bonnie that Lila was six-weeks pregnant, she’s on the warpath. As Bonnie awkwardly stands around, Sam denies to Annalise that he knew Lila was pregnant. Annalise takes the news straight to Wes because she does not run the kind of law firm where actual adults do anything useful. Though it can help Rebecca’s case, she tells him to keep mum. He doesn’t trust her motives, but shares the revelation with Rebecca anyway. Rebecca immediately fills in her new ally Mr. Sexy Cop. She suggests that since Sam texted Lila so much there may be evidence on his phone. Wes arrives on his bike just as Sam is pulling off. He’s furious with Rebecca because he thinks Annalise is playing them. Of course, he’s really mad because riding a bike is not as cool as driving a car. He should move to Amsterdam.

• Unhappy Hour: It’s drinking and crying time. Annalise blames herself for being the other woman when Sam was married to his first wife, and calls herself barren. Sam lamely tries to console “Annie.” Lynn Whitfield strides in and tells Annalise to snap out of it if she doesn’t want to get stabbed in the neck….. Bonnie talks to Sam about the night Lila showed up. She guesses that Lila wanted to talk about the pregnancy and Sam knew. Sam is all about good life choices, he starts murmuring and stroking Bonnie’s face and pulls her into a kiss. This is getting ridiculous, but okay, Show. It’s the night of the bonfire now, Bonnie goes to Annalise and tells her about that conversation with Sam. Ms. Winterbottom actually bows at Annalise’s feet as she apologizes for not telling her about the pregnancy. Bonnie admits that Sam was using her when he kissed her so that she’d keep quiet. Annalise promptly fires Bonnie, who should just be grateful she didn’t get stabbed in the neck. When Sam comes home Annalise informs him that she’s requesting DNA samples from all the men in Lila’s life — including teachers.

The Verdict: I’m over everyone. I want Lynn Whitfield to loan me her pen so I can stab people in the neck.