Empire’s back, baby! The second half of Season 3 debuted tonight. Our girl Cookie Lyon is in fine form! Let’s go!

Lucious: Check me out emerging from flames. Had to happen sooner or later. God has dragged me to hell. Just kidding! These are my fancy production values. This song is something about an inferno. Get used to it, you’re gonna hear it for the rest of the season.

The Viewing Audience: Well, as long as you never “Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,” again.

Cookie: Hey, fictional audience, Lucious’ mom Leah Walker is alive, here she is!

The On-screen Audience: Wait, what about the “Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom” video! She’s supposed to be dead. Didn’t she kill herself? That’s what we gathered from the 1,000 flashbacks! We’re so betrayed.

Leah: Yep, it’s me. The legendary Leslie Uggams aka Lucious’ presumed-dead mom. Lucious let me languish for years in an institution because he’s a dick. But in his defense, I’m batshit crazy. As you can see, I look fabulous. Welp, now that the secret is finally out, this is going to have a major impact on Lucious’ career. Ha ha! Scene over! We’re gonna keep the plot moving as if this never happened. Gotta bounce.

Lucious: Blah, blah, blah.

Cookie: That’s what you get for trying to mess up my boyfriend Angelo’s mayoral campaign by telling everyone he’s Teddy Kennedy. Bye.

Lucious: I’m so mad! This is war. Now walk away so that I can give you The Admiring Smile That Means Lucious Loves Cookie ()  My next single is called “Mixed Messages.”

Jamal’s drug addiction thing has landed him in rehab. It goes like this:

The Foreshadowing Fairy: Jamal met a famous singer here, she’s a druggie too. She will do something with Empire records. My work here is done, sign the release papers.

Andre meanwhile is still being a bad hombre, which is sexy. It goes like this:

Andre: Hi Shine.

Shine: Hi. So I guess now that I’ve got a position with Empire, I’m part of some plot enabling you to steal it from Lucious.

Andre: Stealing Empire is so last year. And the year before that. I’m gonna just go ahead and kill Lucious.

Shine: Why?

The Audience: Season 1, Season 2 and the first half of this season. Hulu it.

Shine: Say no more.

My dreams come true. Tiana and Shady AF Nessa () engage in a duel of the divas during a live duet. They do a hop, skip and jump past your basic hair-tugging catfight and really beat the  hell out of each other in front of the Fictional Audience. I hope this turns into an ongoing thing. #TeamNessa

Boardroom Time! It goes like this:

Lucious: Hey, everybody! I gotta take a moment to praise a special woman. She’s my muse. She’s a great mother. She has first-class destruction-of-property abilities. She is the new head of A&R! Say hello to Boo Boo Kitty!

Cookie: Hell to the no. I’m a better muse, I’m a better mother, I’m a better head of A&R and I’m much better at destruction of property. Remember how Boo Boo Kitty was smashing Ming vases and whatnot because she wanted to be head of A&R? Amateur hour. I can smash way more than her. I will now take a baseball bat, start smashing gold records and every single expensive breakable thing in this building.

The Insurance Company: Don’t look at me, this qualifies as an act of God. Bye.

Lucious:  I’m so mad! This is war. Now watch me give you The Admiring Smile That Means Lucious Loves Cookie ()  

Cookie: Destruction of property makes me so hot. Wanna do it on what’s left of this piano I just destroyed.

Lucious: Yes!

Cookie: Now that I think about it, this relationship isn’t healthy. Bye.

The Mixed Messages Fairy: Oh, you crazy kids.

Becky’s pissed too and she’s got something even better than a bat–Pepsi Emerge a social series with my girl Porsha!

The Season Preview Fairy: Nia Long is coming! Clair Huxtable is returning! The rest of this season is gonna be fabulous! Genuflect, bitches. Genuflect!

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. ET on Fox.

Yes, lawd! Empire returns tonight with the second half of its third season. Back in December, the midseason finale ended with a bang—and for once it didn’t involve Lucious shooting someone or him getting shot.

Still, Lucious tried to kill Angelo Dubois’ mayoral career—or at least leave a nasty scar. The Lyons’ eldest son, Andre, continued his descent into darkness and revealed a plan to kill Papa Lyon. Can you blame him? Can you? It’s a wonder the whole family doesn’t join in.

To read the whole story head on over to The Root.

Empire airs tonight at 9 p.m. ET on Fox

1. The catchphrase: Cookie gave us the best nickname of any fictional character–ever–with Boo Boo Kitty, a derisive name for her nemesis, whose real name is … who cares? She will always be known as Boo Boo Kitty. However, that’s not an expression used in everyday conversations. Dr. Who’s TARDIS looks small but “It’s bigger on the inside.” Seinfeld gave us “Yada, yada, yada.” The Simpsons made Homer’s” D’oh” a thing, but fetch didn’t happen with Bart’s “Cowabunga.” Scandal’s Olivia Pope, though, has the best catchphrase: “It’s handled!” Extra credit for answering the phone with a terse “What?!”
2. The iconic feature:  Columbo wore his rumpled raincoat in every episode.

   

   The Wire‘s Omar Little had a Du-Rag, and a duster. A man in a black duster always looks cooler. A woman in a black duster is always cooler. It’s the coat that identifies the character as a badass. Scandal‘s Olivia Pope can not only rock a white pantsuit, but she looks cute in her white hat too. Angie on Power has her magnificent chestnut tresses, that emote on their own. Those tresses could carry a silent movie. Those tresses should be in the credits. Those tresses should have fan events so we can get autographs and touch them.

3. Favorite food or beverage: Olivia Pope’s kitchen is stocked with two items–popcorn and red wine. Absolutely Fabulous’s Edina and Patsy guzzle champagne. Omar Little had his Honey Nut Cheerios. Cookie Lyon’s boyfriend, Angelo, does show up with coffee, and we’ve seen Cookie with red Twizzlers, but she needs to step it up with a Funyuns addiction.
4. The evil twin: The Vampire Diaries delivered a lot of wicked fun with sugary sweet Elena’s diabolical ancestor, Katherine.

   

   Every single soap character has an evil twin or split personality. One of the best was dumpy All My Children’s Janet Green who tossed her glamorous sister, Natalie Marlowe down a well and stole her life. In the case of Empire, you could just clone Lucious Lyon and that would double the evil.

5. Be Olivia Pope: She’s got all the tropes: TV’s best catchphrase: “It’s handled!”, the iconic outfit, and a defining diet. She doesn’t have an evil twin, per se, but if  she did what would the twin do? Dress exclusively in black? Answer the phone with a polite: “Hello?” Have only one boyfriend at a time? Let’s just pretend her twins are Olivia’s bitchy, but kickass side and Olivia’s really bitchy and murderous side.

Aside from her dinner party, you can find out more about Cookie in a full recap at The Root.

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on Fox

1. Why does Lucious Lyon stroll about in a suit and a du-rag? Does he go to the office like that?
2. Lucious shooed away the stylist who was glopping relaxer on his head during a business talk. How long did it stay on? Did he get a chance to shampoo afterward? How badly did Lucious’ scalp burn?
3. Lucious has taken to carrying around a baseball bat. Is it for protection? Why does he need it? Lucious has guns.
4. Cookie sent sexts of her firm cookies to her boyfriend who is running for mayor. Once they were exposed, he shut down reporters by taking off his shirt, but that’s it. Why didn’t the script require him to take off his pants? It was a poor directorial decision. If you’re gonna get Taye Diggs to strip, be thorough.
5. What’s up with the blue light washing the room when Jamal ODs on pills? It’s weird but probably represents something or other. Or it’s weird.
6. Why are we pretending there is a competition between Hakeem and Andre? Andre is an intelligent, attractive executive in the music industry who might be able to do more for Nessa’s career than Hakeem who… Well, Andre and Nessa already had sex so, Hakeem should walk away.
7. Where is ghost Rhonda? She had a threesome with Andre and Nessa and then just disappeared. Maybe that’s all she needed to do to move toward the white light.
8. Is Becky stupid? She let Xavier, her rival at Empire, steal one of her ideas and take all the credit. Then he came back for more help and promised that he’d be on the up-and-up this time, which was a lie she fell for it again. Becky needs to learn the adage: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
9. When did Andre Lyon become such a badass mastermind? He’s orchestrating some kind of  Empire coup, which is fine because Lucious is a horrible person who should get a comeuppance, but we know he won’t because Lucious never has to pay for his sins. Still, good for Andre trying to stick it to the old man.

For a full recap of last night’s episode, go on over to The Root.

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on Fox.

Everyone should spend a night at the opera at least once; attending a performance is a beautiful experience but can be intimidating if you’re a newbie. Whether it’s your first time or 50th time, take these tips from Empire‘s Cookie Lyon.

1. Dress to impress. One shouldn’t attend the opera wearing any old thing. To fit in, make sure your outfit is louder than the music. Think tight, bright and short. A low-cut dress with a high hemline is just right. If you can bend over without revealing your undies, it’s too long. Don’t forget the accessories and makeup. Gigantic hoop earrings and glittery eyeshadow will add just the right touch.
2. Mingle. The opera experience isn’t limited to the actual performance. Attendees usually gather in the lounge area for champagne and small talk. You might chat about where you summer: the Hamptons, Martha’s Vineyard or the Danbury Federal Correctional Facility for Women.
3. Bottoms up. Don’t feel limited to champagne during the mingling. If there is a full bar, grab yourself a 40!
4.  Show your appreciation. Do not hold your applause for the end. Forget about “Bravo!” The performers love it when you jump up in the middle of an aria and holler your approval.
5.  Don’t worry about the language. You don’t need to know Italian to appreciate Pagliacci. The drama and emotion on stage will translate. Even people who don’t speak your language will get the gist. If, for example, you say something like, “I’ve got a charity for you: Make a Wish. You know that one? Once I get finished whupping both of y’all asses, you gonna wish you never met a hood rat like me,” everyone will follow along.

To read the full Empire recap, head on over to The Root.

Empire airs on Wednesdays at 9/8c on Fox. The next episode will air after the World Series.

TVRD: Thank you for sitting down with us, Lucious Lyon’s to-do list.

Lucious Lyon’s to-do list: And thank you for the opportunity to speak out. No need to be formal, you can call me To-do.

TVRD: Okay, To-do. What’s your typical day like?

To-do: Oh, I am kept hopping. He likes to write on me, since he refuses to use his computer. You know, he uses cheap pens… Anyway, Lucious always has a lot to do.

TVRD: What’s an example?

To-do: Well, the main thing Lucious likes to do is be a horrible person.

TVRD: So you’re saying he’s evil.

To-do: “Evil” is a strong word but the main thing he likes to do is bad parenting. His son, Jamal Lyon is gay, you know. I think the worst thing he put on me was to literally toss Jamal in the trash when he was a little boy. It was heartbreaking. I don’t even think he put it at the top of my page that day. Lucious accepts Jamal’s gayness now, but he always has something unhelpful or manipulative to do with his sons. In brief, I would say that Lucious Lyon has a lot to do with needless family friction.

TVRD: Lucious’s relationship with his ex-wife Cookie Lyon seems rocky.

To-do: All Lucious had to do, was give Cookie her fair share of the Empire he built while Cookie was in prison. Lucious is greedy and selfish so that’s a thing he didn’t want to do, so he put that on me, too.

TVRD: Sounds like a rough job. Does Lucious ever have any nice or fun things to do.

To-do: Sure. Every morning he wants to do something funny with his hair. Recently it was a marcel wave, which was an outdated style to do. But, you know, I just take the instructions, he doesn’t like my feedback. And there are the ladies. He is married in name only to Boo Boo Kitty. The other day, she walked into his office and thought he was having a heart attack, but really there was a woman under the desk, uh, servicing him. That was a naughty thing to do, but it was something he had check off of me.

For a full recap of the episode “What Remains is Bestial,” head on over to The Root.

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on Fox.

When Andre plotted to take over the family business, I was at his side: Ready, willing and able to stage a coup like a Haitian dictator. When Andre needed to blow off some steam, who was there giving him a blowjob? Me, that’s who. I was so prepared that I even created a blowjob bib. Before my untimely death, I was working out a deal with QVC to peddle the blowjob bib as part of a Fellatio Fashion line.

I killed for that man. When my husband was in a tussle with Vernon, I clubbed Vernon with a candlestick — and that’s all she wrote. Did I mention that I was pregnant at the time? I was pregnant when I buried the body in the woods, I was pregnant when I dug up Vernon’s body to get Lucious, my father-in-law, off the hook for murder. It wasn’t all sex and killing either, I stood by Andre’s side to make sure he visited his psychiatrist and took medicine for his bipolar disorder.

Sigh.

So, my supposed best friend, Boo Boo Kitty, pushed me down the stairs causing a miscarriage. I was so enraged that I nearly choked her once I put the pieces together. Yes, she was pregnant when I attacked her, but come on, expectant mothers should be tough. Nobody backed me up, so I did the rational thing and tried to push that bitch off a ledge. As you know, it didn’t work out so now I’m dead.

Did my death get a lot of attention from the Lyon family? No. Did I get a funeral? No. And despite the fall, I was still pretty enough for an open casket. They could at least put my ashes in an urn and display it. The Lyon family screwed me over and the mainstream media did nothing. Since when has the death of a blonde white girl not been the top story? Where was Nancy Grace? Even Fox News ignored it.

So I’ve been haunting Andre. I don’t give a flying fig about the white light, I intend for that man to suffer. Jacob Marley is an amateur. Look out, underworld, sh-t is about to get real.

To read the full Empire recap, head on over to The Root.

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on Fox.

We enjoy the witty musings of Empire fans. Comments don’t appear right away, but we promise we’ll get to them.

Empire‘s Season 2 finale was batsh-t cray-cray. Here are my stream-of-consciousness ramblings on the “Past is Prologue” episode.

1. Why does Lucious wear a hat indoors? Doesn’t he know better? He probably eats with his elbows on the table and sends e-mails in ALL CAPS. Lucious needs etiquette lessons.
2. I hope the show doesn’t think we are worried about Jamal being in a wheelchair. We know he’s not going to be in that wheelchair by the end of the episode. Spoiler: He’s not in that wheelchair by the end of the episode.
3. Rhonda thinks that Boo Boo Kitty is the only woman in the world with Louboutin shoes. The assailant who pushed Rhonda down the stairs and caused her miscarriage had on red-soled shoes. That’ll never hold up in a court of law.
4. Rhonda thinks it’s okay to choke and punch a pregnant woman.
5. Rhonda was pregnant when she killed Vernon, buried his body and then dug it up so Boo Boo Kitty can’t really be a crybaby about this.
6. According to flashbacks, Lucious’ father is dead. According to flashback’s Lucious’ mother was dead. Lucious-related flashbacks are unreliable.
7. Oh, dear God, we’re still talking about Hakeem and Laura’s wedding. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
8. I want to say something nice about Laura. I was hoping to say she had on a beautiful dress and she can’t even get that right.
9. What’s that song being played on the strings? It’s familiar and this is going to drive me crazy.
10. Okay, Laura is breaking up with Hakeem because reasons. Thank you, Baby Jesus.
11. Oh, now I remember. It’s a string version of “White Wedding.” Bravo.
12. Ooooh, the feds want Boo Boo Kitty to testify against Lucious for blah, blah, blah. And he’s marrying her so she doesn’t have to testify! Juicy.
13. I don’t know what Boo Boo Kitty is so glum about, she was thirsty to be a part of this family even though everybody hates her.
14. The bride is carrying Hakeem’s child and marrying his father. Lucious is his grandchild’s stepfather. Finally, Empire has a realistic storyline…
15. Rhonda is not one to be trifled with. Boo Boo Kitty really did push her so now she’s trying to push Boo Boo Kitty over a ledge.
16. Did one of them die? Unacceptable. You can’t lose a character named Boo Boo Kitty or a character that chokes Boo Boo Kitty.
17. That’s it? This is how the season ends?
18. Empire has a literal take on the word “cliffhanger.”

To read a full recap of the episode, head on over to The Root.

Empire’s Cookie Lyon has been obsessed with the American Song Awards. Her ex-husband, Lucious, and son, Jamal, were both up for “Song of the Year” and in the latest episode, “Rise by Sin,” we finally got to the ASAs but both Lyons lost. There were, however, other awards handed out.

1. Best red carpet dis: Hakeem’s fiancée, Laura, is the most boring character ever. Hakeem has had some iffy relationships. Seductive cougar, Camilla Marks, was manipulative, only interested in money and power and–worst of all–convinced Hakeem to wear tacky matching outfits. Boo Boo Kitty was engaged to Hakeem’s father so ewwwwww. Boo Boo Kitty is also unstable and possibly violent. Laura is a nice girl, that’s not a compliment. Even the paparazzi don’t care about Laura; when she posed with Hakeem, they asked her to step out of the picture. If only she’d keep stepping.
2. Worst date: Tariq is an undercover FBI agent, who’s probably just using Carol to get information on Lucious, her former brother-in-law. Tariq set up the date to meet at Leviticus, Lucious’ club. There are thousands of places to go in New York, Tariq was just looking for a discount. Don’t date a man who is too cheap to pay the full price on mozzarella sticks.
3. Best accessory: We’ve never seen Freda Gatz all dressed up before and she killed it in that white suit. It just needed one more touch and Freda got it when she swiped the security officer’s gun and aimed it at Lucious.
4. Biggest attention-getter: When things don’t go your way, change the narrative. Jamal didn’t snag an American Sound Award but getting shot on the step and repeat is more newsworthy. The headlines will be all about Jamal so he’s the real winner. Jamal might have to share the spotlight with grandma Leah if the media finds out that Lucious lied about her being dead, but at least all the stories will focus on the Lyons.
5. Biggest Winner: The audience. Can we all agree that the nonstop plot about the ASA awards was uninteresting? Did it matter that Lucious and Jamal were competing in the same category? Why did they have to produce new music and videos after the nominations were announced? Did it matter that Cookie negotiated for the Lyons to have seven minutes on stage instead of four? Now we can get to the good stuff like what’s going to happen when the world knows Leah is alive, who caused Rhonda’s miscarriage by pushing her down the stairs, the big secret Carol is keeping from Cookie and how Lucious will once again Houdini himself out of a long prison sentence when the feds nail him for killing everyone.

To read the full Empire recap, head over to The Root.

The Empire season finale airs next Wednesday at 9/8c on Fox.

We love smart witty comments from Empire fans. They don’t appear right away but we promise we’ll get to them.

Mother’s Day is approaching. Empire’s Lucious Lyon was just reunited with Leah Walker, the mom he claimed was dead. She was locked in a facility for 21 years, it’s time she got a gift.

1. A pill case. Leah needs a reminder to take her psych meds.  Not some plastic cheapo from Walgreen’s, though; Lucious should spring for a pretty one. Vera Bradley sells designer pill cases for $19.99. And if Lucious gets fed up and puts his mom on the street, he can find one of the label’s famous designer travel bags.
2. Safer knives. Amazon sells the Curious Chef 3-piece Nylon Knife set. It’s a great way to protect young ones who like to cook but older folks can use it too. One reviewer noted: “This practical set kept my crazy mom from stabbing me. It was super easy to put mumsy in a chokehold and grab the knife.” At $8.70, the price can’t be beat.
3. Non-competitive games. Losing at Bingo caused Leah to freak out. She needs forms of amusement that she can play by herself like Solitaire. Lucious can pick up personalized cards at Shutterfly for $19.99. Seeing as how Lucious let his mom rot in a home for 21 years, customizing the cards with family photos is iffy. Maybe he can just go with a monogram or something.
4. Chef’s garb. Leah likes manic late-night baking; Lucious might as well buy her a monogrammed apron. He can find one PersonalizationMall.com. for $21.70. Hmm, on second thought, Leah might strangle him with the apron strings during one of her murderous rages. A chef’s toque is less dangerous.
5. Mugs for the manic and the depressed. Crazy Meds–yes, that is a real site about mental health–sells mugs with sayings such as “Mentally Interesting” or “Medication Time” for $14. Hey, acceptance is the first step, right?

To read my full recap of Empire’s “The Lyon Who Cried Wolf” episode visit The Root.

Empire airs Wednesdays at 9/8c on Fox.