The Bachelor: “Where” are They Now?
The Bachelor finale aired only a couple of weeks ago and I already forgot about it. Um, okay, I really forgot about the recap. I was in the U.K. when Andrée H. had to watch this mess on her own. Then I came back with a cold and maybe, sort of totally forgot to post this. Please don’t tell Andrée about this and definitely don’t tell Andrée’s mom. You know why Andrée didn’t get on me? It’s because she’s Canadian and they are incredibly relaxed and polite. In any case, here it is. — Elaine F
Well ladies and probably a few begrudging men, it’s time for the final rose. I believe that Lauren will take this one with the ease. If I had to guess, since I have had lots of time to think on this, I think that that he “loves” two women was totally contrived by the producers. I actually almost believed it, right up until last week when I assumed the two women were Lauren and Caila. Now that I know JoJo, whom Ben treats like a sister, is one of the two loves, I don’t believe it for a second. I am not super excited for this finale because I already know what is going to happen, and I don’t see breaking up with your sister being all that heartbreaking. I am however, looking forward to finding out who our next Bachelorette will be on After the Final Rose. I think it will be Amanda, Caila or Britt. I really think Britt might have a shot. Speaking of shots, the liquor store is closed for another hour, so I am going to have a go at this sober. No promises, I have three hours straight of this to get through, I might very likely press pause later and do a run!
JoJo
Andrée: I forgot that he tells each girl that he is in love with the other one. I know I am committing the cardinal sin of letting the previews get me excited.
Elaine: Based on the season previews, I was tricked into thinking there’d be a girl with a black eye so I refuse to be bamboozled again. Achooo! I have an awful cold right now so I can’t throw back the wine but I can drink as many hot toddies as I can to get through this.
Andrée: I like how when Chris Harrison asked the crowd if Ben will choose JoJo he was met with complete silence.
Elaine: *Silence*
Andrée: Really, getting married live on After the Final Rose is almost as bad as getting married on the beach at Bachelor in Paradise with your attendees wearing swimsuits. I can’t understand why Ben wants to get married tonight. I hope he does, and I hope they get divorced a month later for being idiots.
Elaine: So to get this straight, Ben is ready to get married in front of the studio audience and both girls’ families are there? If JoJo’s overprotective brothers there, he better pick JoJo or there will be an honor killing.
Andrée: Must be awkward being the ladies’ parents, sitting around waiting to see if your daughter is getting married tonight while watching footage of the man making out with another woman. What has this show turned into? Why are we supporting this?
Elaine: We are craven individuals who like to point and laugh at the feeble-minded ladies who go on this show.
Andrée: Time for Round 2 with Ben’s parents. I wonder if his mom will like these two better than the twinsy waitress?
Elaine: Oh, of course she will. The twin’s career ambition was to sling buffalo wings at Hooters.
Andrée: Lauren is up first meeting the parents. Ben and Lauren bring out all of the ooey gooey qualities in each other that I cannot stand. I do think they are a perfect match, just as long as I never have to see them. Ben’s parents have a lot more personality and swag than Ben and that’s not saying much.
Elaine: I am sitting around in pajamas featuring a monkey pattern and surrounded by crumpled tissues and I have more swag than Ben. Achoo!
Andrée: I am so sick of hearing how Ben called himself unloveable. It’s not enough to base an entire season around one statement, I hope the producers have figured this out by now.
Elaine: Ben’s mom seems unimpressed.
Andrée: “She’s a sweet gal but…” That’s not how you want a sentence to start when your mom meets the girl of your dreams. Do you get the sense that Ben thinks he is unlovable because of his mom? I get the sense she is pretty hard to please.
Elaine: I hadn’t thought of it but could be. On the other hand, it could be a douchey way to appeal to women’s heartstrings.
Andrée: Oh yippee. Now we get to watch Ben and Lauren say “like” to each other like a hundred times in like one three-minute conversation. Time for JoJo’s date with dear old mom and dad. Wow, he just said “Mother and Father, this is JoJo”. Who calls their parents Mother and Father?
Elaine: Who gets to make a fast buck by telling America–and Canada, of course–that you are not worthy of love?
Andrée: JoJo is getting a much warmer reception from the fam. I also love that they are sitting around drinking mimosas. We are kindred spirits. They are doing a really good job of making JoJo look like she has a chance. JoJo is vibing with Ben’s mom and dad so much better than Lauren it’s unreal. I am sure it’s all editing but damn.Well, there you go, Ben’s mother basically just laid it out on the line. My pick is not being swayed by this but almost. “Lauren was very polished, great gal.” “JoJo has fallen in love with you and considers you to be almost a best friend. One of the things JoJo did was answer a lot of the questions I had, JoJo got to it before I did.”
Elaine: I don’t get the whole “best friend” thing. Best friends are for mani/pedis and making catty remarks behind the backs of your other friends.
Andrée: t’s clear she doesn’t really like Lauren and they probably cut that out considering he’s about to marry her in an hour. Another commercial and still the liquor store is closed. This is a truly cruel and unusual form of punishment.
Elaine: Thank you for your service during these trying times. Achoo!
Andrée: This date with Lauren is horribly boring to watch. It’s a lot like a real date would look like with an actual couple. If that was Mr. H and I there probably would be no words. Just sunnies, drinking and laying smack dab in the middle of that net. Ben is just the worst. His issue with Lauren is that it’s been too perfect and they haven’t been tested through rough times. So his solution is to immediately marry her and not leave any time to have a relationship in the real world? Smart.
Elaine: Curse the editors for all of this filler. Lauren is going to win, we knew that during their first one-one, let’s keep it moving.
Andrée: Must be strange not having an overnight after their last date being a fantasy suite.
Elaine: You say fantasy, I say hellscape. Ben strikes me as the type who needs to cuddle for hour and talk about his feelings.
Andrée: I am seriously going to need to go get some booze to deal with this. Liquor store opens in 15 minutes, that’s just enough time to get dressed and walk over there. Pausing!
Elaine: Try watching this with a stuffed up nose, scratchy throat and coughing fits.
Andrée: I am back! Now armed with a mimosa, I am totally ready to face the last half of this thing. Time for JoJo’s date. JoJo called him babe again…poor thing.
Elaine: Poor JoJo. It’s like a sweet baby seal about to get clubbed.
Andrée: I just realized something. We already finished Lauren’s date and he didn’t tell her that he is in love with JoJo–tricked by the damn previews again!
Elaine: Told you so.
Andrée: This location they are at is beyond stunning. I never went to wherever that is when I was in Jamaica but I want to go there next time!
Elaine: I hope that after Ben dumps JoJo, the producers are kind enough to let her stay on for a few days to enjoy the beef patties, Red Stripe and steel drums.
Andrée: Sorry JoJo, I think you are going to end up looking like a fool.
Elaine: She introduced herself to Ben wearing a gigantic unicorn mask. I don’t think she has to worry about maintaining her dignity.
Andrée: So he tells JoJo that he loves Lauren, but he doesn’t tell Lauren, I guess.
Elaine: Blockhead.
Andrée: Well that’s the point of the show JoJo, you compete with other people for a man. That’s the whole show.
Elaine: Poor JoJo. Sweet, simple JoJo. I guess she thought the other couple of dozen girls were there to be her bridesmaids. When I die, pour some Nyquil out and go, “This if for my homie.”
Andrée: I feel terrible for JoJo. Imagine being JoJo’s parents right now–imagine being Lauren’s parents right now, for that matter. So awkward to have to sit there and watch it with a crowd. If I was there, I’d be the one snoring loudly.
Elaine: I’d be the one munching popcorn as JoJo’s brothers prepare for the honor killing. Ben Higgins better sleep with one eye open. I bet he picks the ugliest ring there. Yup. It must also suck watching and seeing all the awesome rings you could have had instead.
Elaine: Or looking on Tinder and seeing all the awesome men you could have had instead
Andrée: That’s fun they get to go in a helicopter instead of a limo to meet Ben. I can get down with a teary eyed helicopter ride home.
Elaine: Maybe all that wind helps to dry the tears when JoJo is sent home.
Andrée: Gorgeous setting for the proposal/dumping. Love it. I want to go back to Jamaica right now so badly. Their tourism board is decidedly more happy with the show than Bahama’s tourism board I am guessing.
Elaine: Totally. The Bahamas tourism board can boast about foul weather, choppy water and beaches infested with vicious wild pigs.
Andrée: And it’s a pink dress exiting the helicopter first. Sorry JoJo. Everyone saw this coming but you.
Elaine: She looks so hopeful. Poor JoJo, I’m going soft. I blame this on the fatal illness that I’ve come down with since the episode started.
Andrée: Ben doesn’t even manage to muster up a smile when JoJo walks in. Way to give it all away, buddy. Terrible actor. He looks like he is going to throw up while JoJo is giving her little speech. If I were her, I would stop talking, he’s really giving it away that he’s about to break if off with her.
Elaine: Poor JoJo. This is like a snuff film. The Feds should investigate.
Andrée: “I found it with you, but I found it with someone else more.” Ouch. Don’t keep telling her that you love her after you break up with her. That’s such a dick move. She just wants to run.
Elaine: These sniffles are 100 percent due to my brain-eating 24-hour killer plague and not because I feel a little bad for JoJo.
Andrée: It’s not okay, JoJoYou have every right to feel totally blindsided. Good for her telling him that he shouldn’t have told her that he loves her. It was just so out of line. Those words should never be taken lightly. You don’t toy with someone’s emotions like that you heartless bastard.
Ben and Lauren
Photos: ABC
Elaine: If I recover from this case of the black death, I’ll gladly get a pitchfork and torch and hunt down Ben. Maybe JoJo’s brothers can give me a lift.
Andrée: One reason I could never be on a show like this is because I am such an ugly crier. I didn’t cry during JoJo’s dumping though like I usually do, too pissed off at Ben.
Elaine: Even our patron saint, Olivia Cardi, did not master the pretty cry. Caila did, but those were crocodile tears. I’m not sure her eyes were even wet.
Elaine: Now it’s Lauren’s turn.
AAndrée: She’s not even smiling.
Elaine: Because unlike sweet, simple JoJo, Lauren wants to maintain her dignity just in case Ben blindsides her.
Andrée: When he brings out the ring, I’d be like: “Where’s your taste?” Nope, don’t like the ring at all. Okay it’s all sunshine and lollipops. Let’s get to After the Final Rose.
Elaine: Dear God, when will this end?
Andrée: Can we just skip straight ahead to the announcement of The Bachelorette? May not be who we think it is…ooooooohhhhh…definitely Amanda or Britt then.
Elaine: I favor Britt too, but it’s time to let that dream die. They want a bland “girl next door.”
Andrée: Please God, don’t bring out Ben. We have all had enough Could you have not shaved your face for your potential wedding day, Ben? I am thinking based on that terrible outfit he isn’t getting married tonight. Who gets married in a checkered shirt with a striped tie and a checkered blazer, with a different checked pocket square? It’s all making me dizzy. He looks like a 13- yea- old boy who’s been trying to grow in facial hair and raided his dad’s closet for a date.
Elaine: Nailed it! JoJo’s turn to confront Ben.
Andrée: She looks like she really doesn’t have time for a word that Ben is saying to her right now. Good on her.
Elaine: JoJo is handling this gracious. Now it’s time to find out w
Andrée: I can’t stop staring at JoJo’s shoes. Can we just stay focused on them? I’d enjoy this segment so much more with constant shoe porn. SHOE PORN! I seriously need those. Yes, stay on this shot.
Elaine: It’s finally time to find out who the next Bachelorette is! Wait, what? JoJo!
Andrée: You are kidding me! JoJo is the freaking Bachelorette. Why? Why? She wasn’t even remotely on the list of contenders. I can’t tell you how much this upsets me.
Elaine: How is this happening? According to conventional wisdom, the show isn’t supposed to pick the first runner-up because Bachelorette filming starts immediately and it has to look like the “loser” took time to get over the alleged heartbreak.
Andrée: Seriously, screw this show. I am actually pissed off. I couldn’t care less about JoJo and her love life. I didn’t even cry when she got dumped. If she cannot bring me to tears then why do I want to follow her? I don’t even have words for how much this angers me.
Elaine: You’re doing a good job. There is only one reason to pick Jojo and that’s to feature her overdramatic brother.
Andrée. I might have to boycott this damn show again for another season.
Elaine: Let’s not make any hasty decisions.
Andrée: Doesn’t sound like we are getting an on-the-spot wedding; Lauren just said they want a short engagement but they want to date a little bit first. He is re-proposing? So this was the big moment that’s never happened before in Bachelor history? *rolls eyes* I love that Ben said he will only be relevant for ten more minutes. A truer statement has never been made on this show.
Elaine: For once, Ben and I are in agreement.
Andrée: I am so disappointed with the Bachelorette selection. I don’t know if I want to watch next season. I can tell you right now if it wasn’t for this recap it would be a solid no. Problem is that I cannot wait for Bachelor in Paradise and if I don’t watch JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, I won’t know who half the guys on the beach are. That’s how they get you with this franchise.
Elaine: This is like the Hotel California, you can never leave. Final thoughts?
I am trying to remain positive but I just don’t understand Jojo as a selection for The Bachelorette. What I think happened, is they fabricated this whole “in love with two women” story so that we would feel terribly sorry for Jojo. I sincerely hope that I will one day be able to kick The Bachelor cold turkey, until then.
