How to Maybe Not Divorce the Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce Way

A lot of times, Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce is full of quirky froth, sometimes there is even slapstick. Girls’ can also break hearts. Have a few laughs today, invest in some tissue for tomorrow. A lot happened in the season finale, so this needs to be a two-parter. Blame Marti Noxon for having to read so much. Okay, let’s discuss Jake and Abby.

1. Mark the Milestone: If you’re Abby’s pals, don’t just let your Girlfriend file for divorce and weep into her Pinot Noir. Nope, a celebration is in order. A brunch? Nope. A happy hour? Nope. That kind of thing is for the weak. You need a Jo in your life to invite everyone over to your home to aim paintballs at your wedding dress. Hope you weren’t saving that gown for Lily. Let’s turn that thing into a work of art. Abby could make some big bucks if she made up a random name like “Cheese Puffs” and sold it to a New Yorker. New Yorkers will buy anything as long as it puzzles everyone who looks at it. I’m a New Yorker, I’m allowed to mock my home. So yeah, ship that baby over here, please. My friends will be so jealous.
2. Keep it Amiable: You loved each other once. If your name is Abby, let that whole Camp Pontiac business go and move on. lanyard is overrated. Don’t just file the papers. No, that’s too rational. If your name is Abby, arrange an intimate date at a cozy restaurant. Sit by the fire and reminisce. What could possibly go wrong? If your name is Jake, your signature should read #Jabby. Turn to the camera and wink at shippers. I may or may not have made that part up.
3.  Complicate Things: If your name is Jake, point out that divorce papers don’t mean you’re getting divorced or anything. Loudly proclaim that you love your wife. Make it like a romantic movie. Make it a ’80s film. You should be doing all of this in the rain, despite the fact that it’s a dry night. On second thought, don’t try to manipulate the weather. Nate did and it led to the most awkward sex scene of all time. That is not hyperbole. There will never, ever be a sex scene that nightmare-inducing.
4. Waffle: If your name is Abby, dash hopes that #Jabby will ever be a thing. It is dead! So dead! Yell at Jake and stomp off. Then return to him. You’re just going to hit him with a paintball, right? Right? Or you can kiss. Wait, what? You can share a steamy kiss.
5. Hit the sheets: If your name is #Jabby, wake up in each other’s arms. Make sure it’s in a sun-bathed room. Sun-bathed rooms are extra romantic. If your name is Abby forget about that cute guy who is patiently waiting at your place with a Mexican hot chocolate.
6. Plan a Fresh Start: If your name is Jake, focus on how you saved your marriage and nothing will mess that up. It’s not like Miss CW will come back. She was not renewed, right? Say “right,” Jake. Why is she at your door, Jake? Tell her it’s over and she can take her cancelled show to Hulu now. She holds no hold on you. It’s not like she’s pregnant or anything. Right, Jake? I said, right? Why is she holding that book, Jake? I can’t read the title. Oh, I see, it’s “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” That sound you hear is all the #Jabby fans sighing, “fml.”
7. Suddenly Remember the Cute Guy who is Patiently Waiting at your place with a Mexican Hot Chocolate: If your name is Abby, it’s time for the walk of shame. Look as guilty as sin and say you have to talk about something. Don’t say it, though. Make things look bad for #Wabby shippers. Ignore the fact that they are yelling at the screen, saying: “That cute guy patiently waited at your place with a Mexican hot chocolate!” What are you doing? Why do you look sad, Abby. Where’s Will? We asked Where’s Will? Is he warming up that Mexican hot chocolate?
8. If you’re a fan, remind yourself that this will all be cleared up in a week when the show returns. It’s returning, right? Right? What do you mean season finale?

Check back tomorrow for the second part of the recap. We have to talk about our other Girlfriends and our guy friends, too.

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