The Bachelor Recap: Nick’s Season Ep. 8

Welp, that was fast. Nick Viall’s vigorous elimination spree has brought us up to hometown dates. Bachelor analyst and Canadian minister of fabulosity,  Andrée H. breaks it all down. — Elaine F.

Andrée: It seems crazy to me that we are already at hometowns! I guess Nick has been booting girls left, right and center so it would make sense that things seem so sped up! The four girls that we have left could not be more different from each other. Raven is like the small town weird girl, Vanessa is the nagging mom type, Rachel is a straight talker and Corinne is a stuck up rich bitch.

Elaine: Hometown dates are my least favorite episode.They are so predictable. The exceptions are JoJo Fletcher’s psychotic brothers and Clare Crawley’s horrid sister. JoJo’s  brothers were itching to murder Ben Higgins. Claire Crawley from Juan Pablo’s season had a sister who is mad that Claire’s the pretty one.  Here we go with Raven in South Tumbleweed. She was a shoo-in for the hometowns. The Bachelor producers can’t resist a hokey hometown. They did that with Chris Soules and all the girls had to pretend they wanted to move to some town in Iowa with a population of 429. Really, that’s the population. Beautiful, glamorous Britt Nilsson wasn’t a good enough actress to pull it off.  She went from “WTF kind of s-hithole is this?” to “I mean, wow, I LOVE towns without a Sephora! Let’s go milk a pig.”

Andrée: You are forgetting the year that Desiree’s brother scared off her man and she got dumped. At least that scored her a run as The Bachelorette. I already hate this date. I love how she thinks she is bringing the sexy. She wouldn’t know what sexy was if it slapped her in the face. She’s taking him to the sacred grain bins. They are now getting in trouble with the cops. Worst date ever. Eww. The cop is her brother. Even worse. She sucks so bad she’s getting beat at her own hick games. Eww I that water looks stagnant. This is so disgusting. I am so grossed out right now.

Elaine: I’m bored. I can’t make it through Raven’s hometown. How the hell is it that it’s after 8 and I’m not drinking? Imma get some wine and wait for something interesting to happen. Call me when they get to the square dance.

Andrée: So far they are just getting gross diseases from stagnant water. That wasn’t much of a reaction to her Dad being cancer free. She looks nothing at all like her parents. I wonder what she looks like without the fake hair and tan? Poor Raven. Her dad thinks that Nick is the most serious love interest she’s ever had. Soooo she’s had nothing then I am guessing? Noooo Raven you aren’t in love with him, he isn’t even in like with you! I’m glad she didn’t say it, Nick would have sent her back home to her parents for sure.

Elaine: Yesss! It’s time for my beloved Rachel. Since ABC already announced that Rachel is the next Bachelorette, I guess her scenes are previews to her season. Their date is a black church service. Cliché, much? No offense to Jesus.

Andrée: I saw the preview to Corinne’s date and I so want to fast forward. I’m sorry but this is the most horrible date in the world. If some dude took me to church for a date I would be legitimately angry. I would melt the second I tried to walk in the door, I can’t like Rachel anymore. She’s dead to me. I just want to fast forward to Corinne. So much better than church. OMG now they are talking about church.

Elaine: I wish ABC hadn’t pat themselves on the back by repeatedly trumpeting that she’s the first black Bachelorette. She’s cute, accomplished and fun. The audience would have figured out the black part without so many reminders. That said, Rachel’s family is keeping it real with this conversation about race. The climate has gotten uglier since the Russians elected the Head Racist in Charge.

Andrée: This date is so weird and fake. It is literally just a long conversation about race, between different groups of people. I wish they weren’t making this so weird and awkward. It could have been organic.

Elaine: Time for Corinne! Yay! The sole reason to take Corinne to hometowns is so we can get scenes of her indentured nanny.  Rachel’s family: “So, you will have to confront racism.” Corinne’s family: “So you will have to buy Corinne lots of stuff. Neil Lane is for poor people. You’re going to need that Dancing with the Stars moola.” Props to Corinne’s mom for pointing out that this is “fantasy.” Right on. Bad news: No Corinne and Nick televised wedding and reality show. Good news: Corinne is going to the best thing to ever happen to Bachelor in Paradise. She’ll get her own reality show. Hey, did they give details on the “multimillion dollar  business” Corinne “owns?”

Andrée: Corinne time!! YAY!!! Shopping time! I want Corinne’s life so much. The dressing room is your holy ground. Yes, Corinne, yes it is. If I was there with you right now sipping on champagne we wouldn’t even need Nick. Can I marry Corinne? She is my dream woman. My dream woman. Uh-oh, she said I love you, that’s a death sentence on this show. Raquel!! I’m more excited to see her then the fam. I’m not even sure I knew she was Greek. I love Raquel she seems so sweet. I think her Dad is loaded drunk. His Dad is just pulling out the carpet from underneath her. Nick is going to have a ton of money from endorsements, he has nothing to worry about. They are ruining everything! I’m scared they might have scared Nick off despite what he said as he was leaving. I just need for them to be together forever.

 

Elaine: Vanessa is dull AF, but at least Nick gets to visit Montreal. You must be pleased. This hometown is all about how saintly Vanessa is with her special needs students. She’s a shoo-in for final two. Vanessa’s family: We’ll hate you if you hurt her. Me: Get the tissues ready, he’s gonna dump her, go on Dancing with the Stars and continue to screw his way across Bachelor Nation. Yes, I’ve come to terms with the sad truth Nick won’t give me a televised wedding. I read that he’s sexed up seven women in the franchise. That’s Kaitlyn Bristowe, Andi Dorfman, his one-time stand with Liz Sandoz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Who are the other four? I guess he could have given the final four off-camera time. Theories?

Andrée: Not excited for Vanessa’s date at all. She’s the worst. First up bringing him to meet a bunch of students. This date sucks so bad. Poor Nick, first stagnant water, then church, then a brief reprieve full of shopping and bubbles, then this crap. Wait. She’s wearing leather pants to teach a bunch of special needs adults. Vanessa has a bit of a naughty streak, eh? Still not enough to save face. She’s a terrible representative of Canada. Well, he got with that one boring girl on BIP. At least one, maybe another. Then I am sure he has already banged a few girls on this season we don’t know about. Ugh, I can’t stand Vanessa’s family. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree for that girl. No proposal blessing for Nick, that should make it easier to get rid of her. Has Vanessa not watched this show? Of course, he asked all the dads that. Otherwise, we would know who he was going to marry, duh.

Elaine: Since this date is in Canada. I want Justin Trudeau to show up. He’s so dreamy. Can you put in a good word for me so I can get Canadian citizenship?

Andrée: I honestly think Nick is going to marry Corinne. I have all the good feelings it’s going to happen. The other two suck so bad and they’ve announced Rachel as The Bachelorette. Sure, we are all buddies back in Canada, I’ll put in the good word at 24 Sussex.

Elaine: Okay, finally the cruelest Bachelor tradition, Nick has to tell some girl: “I was falling in love with you but your family sucks. Bye!” Wait, what? Andi Dorfman is showing up at his door? Welp, this episode was a bust but at least we get a cliffhanger.

Andrée: OMG I want to live in this Brooklyn penthouse that Nick is pacing in dramatically. Ooooh the night view is awesome too. Eww, Andi. Speaking of bitches I hate.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC