43 Thoughts on Blood & Oil: “Pilot” — Sept. 27, 2015

Blood & Oil debuted Sunday on ABC. The new series starring Don Johnson, Chace Crawford, Rebecca Rittenhouse and Amber Valetta, is about soapy characters doing soapy things and interacting with colorful local characters who do colorful local character things. Let’s go! 

1. So the first words after a slow-motion truck wreck are, “Nice driving, Dale Jr?” I suspect we won’t be friends Cody LeFever. That’s a great stripper name, though.
2. What was the plan? You were supposed to be in the laundromat business? That’s a bold backstory choice.
3. Rock Springs, North Dakota, reminds me a little of how Vegas looked when Randall Flag took over in The Stand. The Bakken as it is called, is no joke, ya’ll.
4. Cody thinks the Patchwork Hotel “is like a campground.” Could it be because the set consists of trailers and tents? I think this might be a good time to write “Shut up, Cody” so I can just copy and paste.
5. Thank you for the exposition, Don Johnson, now we know that Wick is a jerk. He will play the role of the disappointing heir. I will type, “Shut up, Wick” just in case.
6. That lady with the dark hair just told Cody, “Around here you’ve either got two jobs or two houses.” Hmm, that sounds like a class divide, let’s ask Cody. She has observational skills.
7. That is a really horrible apartment, Cody, and you still can’t afford it. What are you going to do, though? You just got to town and you’re broke. If only you could get a lucky break in a few scenes.
8. Hi, Amber Valletta! I haven’t seen you in a minute. I look forward to delicious rich-bitch behavior and support your future machinations.
9. Men doing mud stuff in the rain. Moving on.
10. It’s a good thing that Cody walked up to the pharmacy counter just as that extra was talking about his eczema. It sure would be great if that pharmacist needed help behind the counter or a medicine woman or something.
11. Men doing mud stuff in the rain.
12. According to Don Johnson, Wick does not deserve to be his son. Conflict!
13. If I were Wick, I’d go on a quest to be a bigger bastard than Don Johnson to prove myself.
14. Hey, look, Cody found a cute little trailer. How did she pay for it?
15. A job at the pharmacy, you say?
16. And an advance?
17. I never saw that coming.
18. Bill got fired from whatever mud stuff he was doing, though. That sucks. Watch it Bill, I bet the town is filled with employed men who will fall in love with Cody. I’m looking at you, Wick.
19. Cody is not feeling well. There are only two possible causes, Cody: cancer or pregnancy.
20. It’s too soon to be pregnant, Cody.
21. Amber Valetta knows where Don Johnson could drill to make them even more money. But Don Johnson says, “Those plots have been drilled harder than a Tulsa whore.” I am going to have to look up your character’s name because I don’t want to have to write, “Shut up, Don Johnson.”
22. Okay, his name is Hap Briggs. “Shut up, Hap.”
23. Now see, Hap? You cut off Wick financially and now he’s going to have to “get what’s mine.” That involves having sex on a table with this lady who has two jobs.
24. Cody has such good timing. She heard some extra at the pharmacy counter talking about a money-making opportunity. Billy needs to make money.
25. That barely-stocked pharmacy is a hotbed of information.
26. She’s taking a pregnancy test. Color me surprised.
27. Thanks to that extra at the pharmacy, Billy found a way to get money during a montage. Now he can buy a parcel of land near Tulsa Whore and that’s prime-drilling territory. Or something.
28. Carrying a bag full of money into Patchwork Hotel does not seem like a good idea. No banks in the Bakken?
29. Conflict! Cody wants to leave Hooverville, this is no place for a baby.
30. At the risk of being pessimistic, three out of five plot-driven pilot pregnancies are complicated. Stay put, Cody.
31. Witt is going to “get what’s mine” by taking what’s not his. He’s planning to steal oil from his dad. The other guy in this secne says, “I guess everyone wants to kill their old man sooner or later.” Really? What kind of town is this? Are the Menendez Brothers on the town council?
32. Billy is looking at a Roulette wheel spin, but Cody is looking at a dryer go around in circles and thinking of their wash-and-fold dreams. Symbolism!
33. Oh, that two-job lady Wick had sex with can give Billy money.
34. Cody won’t like that.
35. Oh, wait, she doesn’t mind. Here, she’ll give the woman an expensive locket in exchange for money. That’s how Barterville works.
36. Wait, Billy just got into another accident? His insurance deductable must be through the roof.
37. Oh, the point of that accident was to set up a pointless running-in the mud scene so that Billy could make his business deal in the nick of time and get to say the line, “traffic was horrible.” That’s a long way to go for a punchline, Show.
38. The gambit worked. Billy purchased money near Tulsa Whore and Hap needs access to that land so he can drill and blah, blah, blah.
39. That is a real olde-timey bank with bars at the teller’s window.
40.  Wow, the LeFevers earned a million dollars, they pulled themselves up by their bootstraps in under an hour. And they gave $50K to their Patchwork friends as an investment in a restaurant. It’s the trickle-down system. This show HEARTS Ronald Reagan.
41.  Billy surprises Cody with their new humble pad, there’s a cradle and he bought back Cody’s locket, which holds pictures of them.
42. Obviously, this means they will have a baby and stay together forever.
43. At least you don’t have cancer, Cody.